Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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