my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
