I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
