Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You're earring is so big in my mouth
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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