I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
