Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
