Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
