I think I won the penis lottery.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
