I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
