Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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