I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
