I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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