I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
