my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
