nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Randomize
