He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
