The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
