and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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