I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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