I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
