I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
