life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
