Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
