you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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