Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
