dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
