Soap is not a condiment
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
