i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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