We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
