the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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