He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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