"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
