I want to walk on stilts...naked
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
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