in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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