you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
