I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
