i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
