one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
