You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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