Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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