i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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