so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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