I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
