First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
