a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
