guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
