If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
