Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
