I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
