I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
